It is my belief that human beings function in multiple worlds. Living in the present requires an understanding of the past, an eye towards the future and most important, an ability to savor the moment. We strive to fully realize and utilize our independence, but must be ever cognizant of the beauty and the fragility of our interdependence with others.
For
some people life flows in a more or less linear fashion, for others,
such as myself, it is a circuitous route. Since childhood I have been
interested in how people relate to each other; how they see themselves,
why they say what they do. However, my skill was not in relating to
others. Honestly, I didn't get it. I felt people continually made
relationships more difficult than they needed to be, and I found it
fascinating!
Like
many others, I stumbled through adulthood not really understanding
relationships, or how I related to others. I didn't know what to do
when I was in a relationship that was faltering. I carefully and
thoroughly analyzed my partner's faults but had no sense how I came
across to others. I found myself angry, at times depressed, and often
felt victimized by what I felt was my partner's resistance to working
on our relationship. While becoming a social worker taught me to
recognize and intervene in other people's behavioral patterns, it did
not seem to help me step outside the busy world of working and raising
children to develop insight into my own relationship.
What changed? The first big change came when I spent years working with terminally ill individuals and their families. All different kinds of people graciously allowed me into their lives for a brief time and taught me what is ultimately important in life. And that is, that life is short. I know it sounds like a cliche, but it is incredibly, completely true. I also learned that what mattered was not what people acquired during their lifetime, nor what they did for a living. What was really important for all of those vastly different individuals was who they had touched in their lives, and who touched them, both physically and emotionally.
During the time I was learning this profound, but exquisitely simple lesson, my parents died and my marriage ended. After several years of being a single parent and trying to integrate this knowledge into my life, I took on another big change when I remarried and added three stepchildren to my family. Knowing that life is short hasn't helped me to automatically have a good marriage. It has helped me know that we each carry our own histories with us, and we are interpreting the actions of other human beings through the lens of our own experiences. It has helped me accept my own imperfection. There are many lenses through which we can choose to view ourselves or our partners. I truly believe in making counseling a safe place for my clients to set aside their defenses and choose to view the world, themselves and their partners through a different lens. To do so is liberating!